Walking away from a situation we created ourselves undermines our values. We believe we owe the people who are affected by our decisions or feel we are obliged to stick to them. The list of why we cannot overturn our choices is long.

Even if we know a change would be good, we don‘t move and as a result we might feel desperate or depressed. Whatever is at work emotionally, such negative feelings tend to blow our experience out of proportion.

Often we also do not know what we want instead.

While we try to figure out why we are unable to change our mind, or what the alternative would be, one strategy is to change how we look at our choices.

In other words, forget about what brought us here and let go of the idea that we have to change something.

Seeing ourselves and our situation in alternative light lifts our spirits. It provides new meaning and allows for new experiences.

We might even find the answer as to why we made the choice in the first place.

And before we know it our new-found energy gets us unstuck and moving in new directions.

Yet, some days take an unforeseen turn.

An unexpected encounter with an old friend turned out to be an opportunity to review and reflect on what matters.

Through our discussions I was able to articulate some things about myself and put scattered thoughts into words. I walked away with a refreshed mind and a renewed awareness.

The timing could not have been more perfect. My world is changing and has been asking me for a while where I stand.

Good conversation can be a goldmine of ideas and insights. Somehow we get connected to a deeper level of knowing. We suddenly make sense of what before might just have been a vague notion. We get reminded of something we forgot or pointed to something that is important.

Good conversation is a moment - or to be more precise a couple of hours - of standing still, allowing us to take a step back. It provides a mirror to see and hear ourselves. Our words echo back to us and pick up new meaning in the flow of sentences going back and forward.

All the more reason to take the time to sit down, catch up with an old friend, and just talk.

Then why are we often so frightened of the truth?

We tend to see the truth as some form of judgement, sentencing us to make changes we might not want or believe we are able to make. We also tend to think the truth is something absolute and permanent, something we cannot escape and will need to live with for the rest of our lives.

These thoughts scare us and we stay stuck in this fear, closing our ears and our hearts. Moreover, the truth hurst is a message we have come to believe in.

When the truth is brought to us via other people we frequently only hear criticism and accusations pointing to our weaknesses and shortcomings. When it comes from within we might not trust what we hear.

Yet when we open up to the idea of truth as a source of support and compassion, we can see that truth is unconditional. It does not judge, it simply is. We start to see the opportunities it can bring us. We begin to see its many facets: a toolkit for growth, a loving parent, a foundation from which to exist.

The first step in changing our relationship with truth is then to trust its supportive nature.

And perhaps a second step is to see truth as an innate part of ourselves, not as some grandiose big Truth that is imposed on us from above. Truth is nothing more and nothing less than the whole of who we are.

It is from here we can switch our focus from fear to curiosity about our truths and making them our own again.

Perhaps they had recently broken up, or she had just received some bad news. She seemed desperate and in need of sympathy and love. He merely seemed tired and enjoying an afternoon nap.

His lack of empathy was painful to watch. Only because she continued to seek a reaction from him, I knew they were together. In all other ways they looked like complete strangers.

Roaming the train I noticed more people oblivious of the person they were with, not showing any sign of acknowledgement of each other’s existence. When it was their stop to get off the train, a little nod or a single word betrayed almost by accident a connection, but once on the platform they would quickly return to their disengaged mode.

I see this lack of connection between people everyday. Customers unaware of the feelings of those who serve them, teammates not being on the same line, managers apathetic of their staff’s perspective, couples refusing to hear what the other person is saying.

Disconnection often starts with a self-centered look at things, a sense of righteousness about one’s own beliefs. This often makes us dismissive of other people’s feelings and experiences. Introverts (like me) are sometimes so inwardly focused that they no longer see the world around them, which can make them ignorant of others.

Before we know it, we are indifferent, uninterested and, as a result, disconnected. We operate on different wavelengths, go in different directions.

Yet human beings (and anything else on the planet) are connected by default. We are really never completely disconnected. It is the quality that impacts us and everything around us positively or negatively.

By denying her even the smallest sign of acknowledgement the man in the train possibly destroyed something in his companion, while he could easily have comforted her with a little smile or some other loving gesture.

We are often unaware of how the way we connect influences others. We think our behaviour is our own business (and right) and fail (refuse) to take responsibility for any repercussions that it may cause.

Even the slightest effort on our side to pay more attention to our daily interactions can make a world of difference. All it takes is willingness and awareness.

Often pain visits me when I least expect it and tends to stay for a while. A happy quest feasting shamelessly on a banquet of fear, guilt and self-pity.

I know my visitor is actually a gift; coincidence conspiring to bring me something I need.

Recently I have understood that better; the purpose of pain. I know it is not there as a sign of my inadequacy. 

Understanding it intellectually helps me to create distance from the whirlpool of feelings and move beyond it. In doing so I can often see what is causing the pain. I can then put things in perspective and let go.

Still, this is an exercise of the mind.

When I have more courage, I sit with my pain with empathy and sheer acceptance until I feel myself sinking into a field of untapped potential and promise. Pain than changes into something beneficial and fulfilling.

Whichever way I choose, I learn and expand.

But when I leave pain unattended and in free reign it damages me. Therefore, even if sometimes it is easier or even more appealing to let the pain just be, I make a conscious effort to face and work with it in whatever way seems appropriate at the time.

I am exhausted, but utterly content. Every single muscle in my body is hurting, yet I feel more alive than I have done in months.

When had I started buying into the belief that I was too busy to get myself on a train for a day of physical delight and mental unwinding?

Come to think of it, I had been too much of many things for quite a while now. Too tired to take proper care of myself, too self-absorbed to notice I was neglecting my friends.

That dangerous belief that starts with “I am too” is a true game-stopper. It keeps us stuck and small. Before we know it we are no longer  doing the things we  were once committed to and are giving in to living by default.

That is not how I want to live, I tell myself. No more ‘too busy or too tired!’ I want to wake up every day knowing that everything I will be doing that day is by choice and according to plan.

And with these words, I am breaking through the barriers of my self-imposed beliefs and literally feel my world expanding. My body is shaking with fatigue, but my mind is still and my soul is beaming.

All is well. I have returned to where I always intended to be. 

I could see how I often skip exercise in favour of my work and meeting people, and how my default setting is that the needs of others go first.

While picking up a next set of dumbbells, I pondered further on this thought.

Our behaviour is often determined by unconscious motives that take precedence over our consciously formulated choices. Being unconscious these motives tend to go unchecked and reign freely.

When we fail to follow our plans or see ourselves giving up on our goals, some hidden motives are probably in charge of the game. Digging those up is frequently required to get back on course.

By the time I hit the shower I had the contrasting intentions realigned and was recommitted to good self-care with a conscious mind.

Then she came across a piece of advice that gave her the answer she had been looking for: have high intention and low attachment - do everything you can to create your desired outcomes, and than let it go.*

She confirmed her intentions, decided not to be attached to any outcomes and to postpone any decision by simply letting things be and take their own course.

And the quote became her mantra. She now applies this to the many choices she is facing in her daily life.

She had felt uneasy about a situation and instead of dismissing her feelings, she listened and explored what it meant. As a result, she not only found a solution for her dilemma; she hit upon a piece of wisdom that fits her so well that it is changing her outlook.

Answers are often to be found in unexpected places and presented to us in surprising forms.

And by not settling for what does not feel right, you could end up with a lot more than you thought you were looking for.

* Source: How to Get from Where you Are to Where You Want to Be - the 25 principles of success, by Jack Canfield

The list is long. I am a master of unfinished business. My email inbox is full of messages that need responses. Numerous activities I once was passionate about are being neglected, as are some relationships that are in dire need of attention and clarity.

I still need to properly grieve for somebody I lost and embrace some choices I already made. And despite my best intentions some default negative behaviour continues to rule.

My external world is cluttered, my internal one a whirlpool. Loose ends are clouding my vision on what matters and preventing me from being fully engaged in life as I want it.

So I make my list. I am not enjoying it much, but it gives me relief and new breathing space. I already feel the clouds lifting. 

I am cleaning my mental closet and getting ready for the new year.

When I put this decision against the larger scheme of things it does not really matter what I decide: either way, I believe, will eventually lead to the realization of my bigger goals.

But when I look at what is best for me right now I am unsure.

I know that I want to enjoy whatever it is I do. I don’t want to struggle or sacrifice. I want to move forward, expand and grow in a way that feels natural and to be fully engaged in the journey towards whatever is ahead of me.

The decision itself is a journey. It forces me to look at who I am and at what is important to me. I am investigating and gathering information.

So that is where I am right now, travelling towards the answers. And while I am on the road, I am already changing. The decision at hand is no longer the goal, but merely a checkpoint to keep me going.