We dream of a different life, yet the thought of leaving our familiar nest fills us with terror. We think about the things we want, but immediately dismiss such thoughts as unrealistic and impossible to have.

Even when our heart cries out for something new, we hold on to the status quo for as long as we can. Only when we begin to break down, are we finally prepared to take a first step out of misery.

The perspective we choose to take about this dilemma may determine not only how we see our situation but also strongly influence how we might change things.

The question as to why we’re so conflicted when it comes to change, albeit an interesting one, does not necessarily help us narrow the gap between longing and purposeful action. Of course, it’s useful to dig into the reasons for our current impasse, but we could also very well be making up stories and settle for a rational justification of our behavior and current reality.

If we ask ourselves how we can change despite our feelings about it, we’re at least signaling willingness to get into action. We’re also getting into a more creative state – and creativity’s a state which loves to express itself through action. The danger here is that, when the ideas don’t come or are too ambitious, we can easily get stuck in ‘don’t know how’ and give up.

A more effective change management approach is to simply accept the fact we have this conflict and will probably always have it. With acceptance we start to release our negative feelings and beliefs about something. This can bring us to a more neutral place from where new choices await our selection.

In this realm we’re no longer in the tight grip of fear and resistance, and have the time and space to turn our attention to change itself.

Once on that path of self-acceptance, we may learn to trust the validity of our desires and the supportive messages from our dreams.

From here we can step onto our path of change, one step at a time.

Provided the intention is genuine and not just an “I’m the better person” ego booster, we’re able to move on and create space for the relationship to take on a new, more positive dynamic.

And when we take it a step further, we can go beyond even the need for forgiveness. This means we are not trapped in the pain or disappointment stemming from someone else’s behavior in the first place.

By accepting a person completely and unconditionally we don’t judge them for what they did or didn’t do, nor expect them to comply with our own value system.

Our own happiness and wellbeing will not be shaken, because we’re able to separate the person from their actions.

We no longer demand them to change or adapt to our needs and love them as much for their attractive traits as for their darker side, and simply allow them to be themselves

It’s been said that forgiveness is often a necessary step towards acceptance. In other words, without forgiveness, we could just be playing lip service to the idea of fully accepting someone. On the outside everything might look fine, while on the inside we’re still hurting and resentful.

All of this applies, of course, not only to other people, but to ourselves as well.

Ironically, we often only begin to understand this self-connection after it’s been broken, abandoned or ignored and we find our zest for life has weakened, or we become depressed about everything in general and nothing in particular.

We might enter long periods of being dissatisfied and underachieving, endangering our careers and relationships. Or, in a less dramatic fashion, we could just be bored and uninspired, going through the days without purpose or passion.

Ultimately we need to address what’s going on and take action to become more fully involved with life again.

And the sooner we accept the validity of that self-longing, the sooner our journey back home can begin.

How we do that is by walking a path uniquely our own. There’s no fool-proof guide or a guaranteed method that works for all. Just follow your instinct and work with what comes your way.

Some people do this by entering a period of quiet work alone, in effect retreating from the world and being with their inquiring self as it silently contemplates.

Alas, many others find themselves temporarily lost, going through one turbulent day after another. These are days in which all sorts of feelings find their way randomly to the surface of consciousness. What was once well understood makes no sense anymore. In this confusion, people seek professional help from the outside world or search for interaction with others who are going through similar experiences.

Whatever route chosen, the journey to reunite with our essence eventually will bring us to a place of self connection.

On this hallowed ground can be found footprints toward life’s deeper truths. And by taking those steps, we find meaning in the outer world, with the people and events around us, and may even sense a bigger picture beyond our rational perception.

Self-healing begins that we can feel in our very core. From here we lift ourselves out of mere limitations and into a truly bigger game.

When we become more self-aligned and truthful, others find us inspirational. In due course people and activities that we are no longer connected with become but memories. Time moves on and people, places and events more attuned to the person we are becoming start to appear in the canvas of life.

The very picture of life itself subtly shifts and transforms as we learn to embrace and reconnect with who we are and always were.

To a certain extent we all do that. We adapt to our environment based on what we believe is expected from us or on what we think we want. When our focus is on external images of success we set out to acquire traits that we deem necessary to have in order to be successful.

But if we go too far, at some point we could stop recognizing ourselves and become strangers in our own skin. We start to feel estranged and disconnected. A sense of crisis might even kick in.

Sometimes a crisis teaches us how to begin the process of reuniting with our overlooked inherent qualities. The very qualities we neglected to develop, because, consciously or unconsciously, we did not them find attractive or suitable for our ambitions at that time.

For most of us it will take a while to get comfortable with this process. While we are reconnecting with our newfound nature, at the same time we’re parting ways with our adopted persona. There likely will be conflicting emotions to deal with.

This is normal. After all, we’re transforming which is per definition often a chaotic and confusing process.

But once we’ve tested the waters of change and started to experience the magic of being oneself, we get better and better at displaying our authentic strengths.

Until one fine day we realize that the key to success has always been within us, just waiting to be recognized.

Surrender is a spiritual skill that tops all others in its ability to set your life on its right course. (Cheryl Richards on twitter)

We often have a negative association with the idea of surrendering. It feels like losing control, giving in or giving up, evoking images of defeat, abandonment, or yielding our power to someone else.

But when seen through a different lens, to surrender becomes an act of empowerment.

When we surrender to the flow of life and the possibility of something new, we let go of obstacles. We release the illusion of control, opening up to bigger and more exciting things coming our way.

We stop expecting outcomes based on previous experiences and become curious about the unknown.

We give up our beliefs as to how things should be, letting go of fears and insecurities, and instead give in to our true feelings as to how we want things to be.

When we surrender, we are not walking away from our dreams and desires. We are just switching gears, allowing our soul to be our guide and our heart to be our eyes.

We declare our trust in the Universe and in the people we love, completely and unconditionally, allowing wonder and miracle into our lives.

To surrender also means to stop wanting things that are not aligned with our true selves. We return to the present moment and to that “inner acceptance of what is” (Eckhart Tolle, The New Earth). We start to appreciate what we already have and see what really matters.

Just as we leave Nature to nurture the seeds we plant into beautiful flowers and trees, through surrender we let bigger forces support us in our growth and on our path.

In the end surrender simply means allowing life to happen, fully and unbounded.

Here we often procrastinate in the belief that those first steps need to be perfectly aligned with goals, plans and end results.

Of course, a good start is important, but the initial details often don’t matter as much as we think they do. Beginning the journey’s what wins the race in the end.

Further along the road, at some point you’ll want to get a grip on what’s happening by distancing yourself from vague and anxious feelings and looking for ways to make the peaks and troughs of experience worthwhile.

You may find yourself revisiting that initial “where to start” question. Don’t be surprised if these musings have you questioning what it is you’re actually departing from and where you’re heading.

“What got this started?” you ask yourself for the umpteenth time.

Perhaps it was simply a yearning within you for something that touches you in your very essence or the human race as a whole, a sense of emerging truth that shows up as a core value weaving together the threads of your life.

Be prepared to spend some time really digging for your answers as part of a compassionate and reflective questioning period.

Unfortunately too often we regard those essential periods of change as a negative place to be, a temporary crisis we need to get out of so we can return to familiar but limiting ways. We silence the loving voice of our soul from telling us more about this new (and yes scary) phase in our lives.

Getting clear about your starting points helps on many levels – not only does clarity point to where you’re going, it also serves as a foundation from which to act and be, and to which you can always return.

This ‘home station’ broadcasts soulful shelter all the days of your life. Once tuned in, listen closely for inner peace tones so firmly rooted within you they can never be lost. Remember to make this place your starting point and nourishing energy for life’s sometimes weary traveler will always be lovingly available.

Life’s eternal sacredness is expressed through every action and behavior. So good is it that we sense utopia and are filled with the happiness that only comes from freely helping one another.

But now consider a very different world.

In this place we constantly dismiss our significance and contributions, when there is so much to say and do.

Yet because our vision’s clouded by doubts and fears, we struggle to see what’s possible. Deaf to that inner voice of wisdom, many of us remain lost in a white noise of external expectations and demands.

Which world are you living in?

Do you know a choice can be made?

It was late and raining. I was on my bike, cold and eager to get home.

A group of people was standing at the corner where I had to turn. They were gathered close to the kerb and I had to swerve to the right to avoid them. At that very moment, one of them suddenly swept out his arm and accidentally slapped me right in the face, almost knocking me off my bike. I said nothing and continued on my way, angrily and silently cursing that ignorant man.

A few minutes into my rant I calmed down and realized the man had just been sharing his excitement about something with the group. He never meant to invade my space, let alone hit me. Had I fallen, I’m sure he would have rushed to my rescue and offered his apologies.

Harvey talks about “being steady and calm through anything” using practices that “calm you down, give you a connection with the divine peace, the divine silence and the divine wholeness”, practices that strengthen our ability to stay calm in the face of extreme and difficult situations.

He is the architect of sacred activism, and it is in this context he recommends us to sharpen our mastery of remaining calm.

For the briefest of moments, it was through silencing my pounding heart and finding that connection with my inner peace I could move quickly from self-justified irritation to knowing that nothing was done to me.

We don’t need to wait for extreme and difficult situations to practice Harvey’s wisdom.

Those small, daily happenings, like the one I had yesterday, provide the perfect opportunity to practice “being steady and calm through anything”.

Just recognize those moments when they present themselves.

PS – the Sacred Awakening is a fantastic free teleseminar series that runs from February 17 to April 3, and presents 40 of the world’s most respected spiritual leaders. Interactive live calls which can be downloaded as well.

From then on my purpose would be noble and of the highest standards. Heroic images of saving lives or freeing people came to mind.

Eventually I realized I would be forever chasing after something I thought was just beyond reach. And how my eagerness to find that elusive purpose was directing a focus to what I did not have (since I believed the ‘purposeful me’ would be a different, much better person than who I actually was at the time.)

With that understanding I began to look at purpose through different eyes. And instead of pondering on what my life purpose was I started to explore how I was already expressing it in my daily life. I shifted from finding purpose to being purposeful. I moved from searching for something in the distant future to experiencing what was already all around me.

In hindsight I could see how my ego had been in the driving seat. My desire for purpose was an opportunity for a somewhat bossy ego to aim for the stars. Once I could distance myself from those ambitions, I found my way back to a more soulful path of living with and acting from purpose.

Purpose is in everything we are, do and say. When we are unconditional in our friendship, that’s purpose. When we put our core values into play through how we make our choices, that’s purpose.

The take-away here? Don’t wait semi-passively for purpose to knock on your door. Open your eyes to how you are already being purposeful.

Grab it right there, right now.

Or you can accept that any decision has a degree of uncertainty, make your choice and adjust as you go.

You can also zoom in on your doubts and look to see if they’re justified.

Recalling that each option may lead to different outcomes.

We often slip through events seemingly by accident; oblivious of the consequences, unaware we actually had a choice.

We are inclined to take the road most traveled. Some people will linger around doubt as if it were a comforting companion, while others tend to jump into action without giving it a second thought.

Maybe they’d be better off by changing course once in a while.

Begin with awareness. Stand still and ask yourself:

“What choices do I have here?”

Practice with smaller stuff and just be bold and brave enough to try a different approach.

That can mean getting out of the logical, debating mind, if that is where your decisions are usually made, and tap into your gut feeling. (And vice versa, if making intuitive choices is your normal mode.)

When we make different choices, we open ourselves up to new experiences. These can lead to new insights and new conclusions and what had seemed impossible sometimes becomes possible.

In short, when we become master apprentices to choice, we elect to begin expanding our world and our lives.

Here are some of the common reasons we get stuck and confused with implementing goals.

We forget. Daily life and default habits take over and our goals drop off the horizon.

There’no plan. Somehow we “trust” that our goals will actualize without our participation.

Poor execution. A lack of discipline has us postpone taking action. Tomorrow always seems a better day to start.

The rewards are just not big enough. The effort required outweighs the results to be gained.

We don’t believe we can make it. Unconsciously we believe in or are committed to something else.

No Context. Our goals don’t serve a bigger purpose and are unaligned with our deepest desires and values. We lack foundation and are unclear on what we want to accomplish longer-term.

We’re climbing the wrong mountain. We’ve chosen the wrong goals. Even if we get there nothing really will change for us.

We’re applying someone else’s off-the-shelf strategy that does not fit us.

Rigid Attitude. We are inflexible and never review where we are. We don’t explore our experiences and refuse to listen to our inner voice and miss the opportunity to make adjustments.

If you’re off track with your goals take some time and delve into what’s really going on. Find the bigger picture behind your goals and consider replacing them with more inspirational ones. Then start to create a fault-proof plan that also has plenty of reflective moments.

Above all, don’t give up! Just rewire and reroute, and keep on going.

This is what I do to help my coaching clients move from overwhelm into overview, so that they learn to focus on what’ possible now. This way they also start to trust that whatever they do today can open the door to new ideas, events and possibilities. Simply put, it means that the answers to their toughest questions and the realization of their big dreams will emerge one step at a time.

Naturally, in my own life the Universe sometimes throws me into situations where I need to apply similar principles.

For example, a while back ago I found a badly wounded street kitten near my house. I brought her to the hospital where I learned that one of her legs was broken, her spine was damaged and that she probably has the feline version of HIV (FIV). Not only did she need an operation, the doctors were also unsure if she could develop properly, while she might also be at risk of full-blown feline aids.

I already have two adult cats at home that both have rather sensitive characters. We would therefore need to keep the kitten separate for months to ensure her recovery and confirm about her FIV. On top of all this, major renovations to my home were about to start.

My first reaction was to rescue the kitten, which I did.

And my second one, after she was in the safe and capable hands of the vet, was panic. How was I going to take care of her without my other cats knowing? And could we ever have the three of them live together? Would my other cats be mentally damaged? Could the kitten even have a quality life?

When I realized these questions were only making me feel overwhelmed and stuck, I told myself to look at the situation one day at a time and trust that the right outcome would come my way.

In doing so I also allowed myself to look at the bigger meaning of why this little precious life dropped into mine. What was behind the disturbance and the forced re-organization of my daily routine?

Now, many weeks later, she is doing great. Despite a rather complex operation and missing a bone in one of her legs, she has regained full control of her body functions and is growing, running and jumping like any normal kitten.

We also managed to keep her separate from my other cats. Amazingly, she’s lived in three different houses, not counting the weeks in hospital, and has learned to adapt instantly to new environments. She’s very social and loves anyone who gives her attention. My other cats have had a tough time but have shown resilience I did not know they had.

As for myself, I’ve learned to trust that all will be well if I accept what happens to me rather than resist it. It’s as if by looking at the events in our lives with trust and curiosity we somehow allow solutions to flow our way.

Throughout the episode I surprised myself by being very practical and organized – not previously my best virtues.

And I completed some valuable introspective work on the bigger meaning of this event in my own life.

I still have decisions to make about the kitten’s future, and will handle these with the same mix of trust and wisdom that have served me well up to now.

The ego is needy and rarely satisfied, always thirsty for more of those short-term highs. It’s often bossy, judgmental and wants you to take an opinionated stance.

Its restlessness and finger-pointing tendencies can keep you stuck in turmoil and dilute your experience of things as they really are.

But when observing with soulful-eyes, your experiences change and take on a peaceful and permanent nature.

The soul doesn’t judge experiences because its very purpose is to seek them out.

The soul doesn’t intellectualize experiences. It lets you feel them. If you pay attention you will notice it guides you towards actions and behaviors more aligned with your true nature.

The soul is always with you in the present. Returning you to the past or projecting you into the future are not what the soul is about. Rather, these are techniques the ego employs to attach emotions such as blame, guilt and fear to your current experiences.

For instance, when someone is grateful for the help you freely gave, you’ll naturally feel good about this.

However, when your ego is in the driving seat of this experience you might feel a certain satisfaction and sense of purpose from being so needed and acknowledged. You might even feel somewhat happy about the person’s need to which you so admirably responded.

Yet these feelings are mere sensations of the fleeting moments they arise in. Soon you’ll be looking for more or perhaps will just lose interest. You might even flail about in a spiral of confusing feelings. You might be resentful that you weren’t properly rewarded or publicly acknowledged. Perversely, you might now be shackled by a sense of duty to continue giving despite your desire to stop.

From a soulful perspective, this experience will have you simply feeling good about giving and enjoying the bliss that comes with the act itself. Gratitude will surface without the ego’s judgmental and distrustful insecurities.

There is no focus on anything else but the fact you acted on your ability to give and receive. There’s no need for you to get anything back in return, no need for others to respond in a certain way.

And since the experience was unconditional, devoid of the ego’s need-based emotions, the happiness you felt will be everlasting, continuing from one present moment to the next.

Happiness then, is no longer the result of your actions, but a state of your being.

When you’re too closely involved your feelings and emotions can dictate your behavior, making it even more difficult to find a way out.

Sometimes your desire for a certain outcome becomes so big that you’re no longer open to other possibilities.

In fact, by sticking rigidly to a single perspective, you might find yourself becoming downright unreasonable and end up shutting yourself off to any alternative dialogue.

Just taking that step back will give you the breathing space you need to be able to put things into context and permit better outcomes.

You’ll return to a place where you have choices and the time to calm down.

Most importantly, you can rediscover your own bigger picture – your goals, your purpose, your true nature.

My friend is fond of saying that “to slow down is to speed up.”

I could not agree with her more.

In this action and results-focused world, slowing down and taking a step back has always expanded my choices and helped me get back into alignment with myself and with the people around me.

On busy days I just glance through or even delete the lot without reading any, knowing tomorrow will bring me more wise words, thoughts and ideas.

But there’s one blog whose updates I seldom skip and savour like a glass of good white wine or a piece of the best chocolate cake in town.

Henrik Edberg’s Positivity Blog manages to instantly shake me out of my conditioned mind and into new inspiration, whereas I’ll often put the gurus’ wisdom aside for later contemplation.

Henrik’s blog is visually attractive and well written.

Yet what makes Henrik a winner for me is his genuineness.  He writes from the heart of experience and isn’t trying to sell me anything or seduce me with his wit and wisdom. But he also doesn’t hold pack from hitting a psychological nerve or two – or from pointing out how easily we fool ourselves.

In his own words, he’s a self-development enthusiast simply blogging about what he’s discovered so far, in the hope we can use some of it. Henrik’s only 28 years old, but is already putting it all together.

Through his writing he speaks to us self-developers with a passion. There’s no hidden agenda, no other purpose than his hope and desire to bring us something that can help make our lives a little better and keep us moving forward in our own life journeys.

His blog is actually three-in-one: a how-to-do-it manual, a resource of time-tested self-discovery references, and a personal journey.

In a world jaded by information and marketing overload, I find Henrik’s inspirational blogging style and message is refreshingly welcome.

You cannot live an authentic life without mastering the art of disappointing people (with grace & love).

I shared this little gem of wisdom with a client and a friend. Both are dealing with conflicted feelings about how people around them are reacting (negatively) to the new choices they’re making in their lives.

E.g. fear that someone would be angry with them, the pain felt from hurting someone and so on.

When people take steps to become more authentic this often goes hand in hand with a renewed sense of integrity. And, not yet firmly grounded in their new selves, they’re often extra sensitive to both internal and external stimuli.

Ideally our environment would applaud and support the changes we make; However in reality not everybody is rooting for us. Some feel threatened, some profoundly disagree, others might even believe we are doomed to fail.

If we allow worries about how others see us go unchecked, we might end up running back to our old unauthentic selves or in some cases we’d be stuck in limbo with one foot in the old world and the other in our new authentic way of being.

But when we realize, as Cheryl Richardson says, that sometimes disappointing others is a natural and inevitable part of the change process, we can learn to accept it, and therefore continue on our path towards authenticity.

It’s better if we can do it with “with grace and love”. That means fully acknowledging the hurt, anger and disappointment of others. And so there’s no need for us to be caught up in a self-justification that sees us becoming angry, disappointed or hurt with those very same people.

Both my client and friend found encouragement in Cheryl’s words.

Once again I learned that when we set out to become who we want to be (in other words, who we really are) we also need new wisdom, new truths and new mantras to help us stay firmly grounded yet also unstoppable in our life journey.

Some years ago I was making myself miserable thinking I had to choose between my home country and my adopted country. It felt like an impossible choice to make; yet I believed everything depended on making the ‘correct’ decision. Backwards and forwards went the options in my mind, as if I was playing a never-ending, game of unwinnable Blackjack.

Eventually exhaustion forced me to take a break from this charade. And guess what? That’s when more interesting insights began to surface.

It slowly dawned on me that the real question was not ‘where’ but ‘how’ I wanted to live. I longed to feel free wherever I happened to be.

Somehow my bossy ego-mind had translated my restlessness as a sign I had to either move back home or make a firm commitment to my life in Japan. It was pushing me to make up my mind for once and for all.

Once I allowed my heart to have its say, a bigger realm of options opened up.  This restlessness was no longer a sign of weakness, but a source of energy. It seemed as if my game changed from a dull pack of cards to an intriguing quest-board.

And so I stayed right where I was, and began to live my life as a journey.

If you are lost as to what direction to take, you might in fact be trying to follow the wrong map.

Take a step back and look around for the right one. Switch your perspective and scan the horizon of opportunity until new thoughts float up, until you experience a sense of relief, a fresh bust of energy and those wonderful aha moments.

They are indeed out there waiting to be discovered anew.

We dismiss ideas using dampers like “that will never work”, or we disqualify what was just said with the ‘but’ word, often followed by a discourse on why we know better.

We steal a person’s spotlight by interrupting them midway through their story and take over with our own.

We generalize someone’s behavior in negative or disempowering terms “you are always so this or that”.

We are so self-focused that we forget to give someone room to tell us what they want or feel, or to offer their contribution to a conversation.

Sounds a bell for you?

We do this all the time and are mostly unaware of the damaging effects. And in those rare moments when we do realize, we often feel justified in our behavior or are too proud to change it.

Yet, to do the opposite and allow the other person their space and limelight, even consciously offering your encouragement, is so much more rewarding.

So next time you notice yourself doing any of the above, try to reverse your default behavior.

When somebody offers a thought, be curious and ask for details.

Stop yourself when you’re about to butt into someone’s story. Focus instead on the person talking and ‘participate’ through signs of interest.

And when you are on the receiving end, finding yourself discouraged and denied, refuse to play the victim and pull yourself out of your own misery.

You can remind yourself that most likely the other party did not intend to bring you down and isn’t aware of the effect their behavior is having.

Of course sometimes you can choose to let them know how you feel. Or just politely take back the mike and continue with what you were trying to say.

Whether you are on the giving or receiving end you always have a choice and you can always change your behavior.

We watch someone deliver a speech and think they’re not in the same class as someone we saw earlier that day.

We observe a person’s achievements and conclude we would have done a better job.

We look at where we are in our career and believe we’re falling behind the people we started out with.

Throughout the day we compare the more mundane as well. The weather is not as nice as it was yesterday, this wine is nowhere close to the one we had last week, and so on.

When we compare, we are caught up in a game that seldom leads to a win for anyone involved.

Perhaps the problem lies in how and why we compare? Most of the time it’s not curiosity about differences and similarities that drives us, but a need to pass judgment.

We use words that put the object of comparison either on a higher or a lower platform and turn our focus to how we feel about that.

Whichever way we direct our feelings, attention drifts to something other than the subject of our comparisons, and is tainted by our emotions.

We also fail to see and appreciate someone or people and places for who and what they and so miss out on the inspiration and the learning.

Next time you catch yourself comparing, move beyond what you feel. Observe the differences and reflect on what you’re really saying.

If you find yourself feeling incapable and thinking others are doing better than you, perhaps this means you are ready to set some new goals for yourself and those others are showing you where you want to go.

This way, comparing becomes an art and a tool for self-improvement.

And, as a bonus, you may come to appreciate the other person’s ‘better’ as well.

It’s a profound and painful state that finds me always unprepared.

I can choose to struggle with this anxiety daemon and grope for an escape route, or I can try to understand why stress has paid a visit and listen to what it has to say.

Stress, when experienced in this manner, becomes an opportunity for reflection.

When my attention shifts from that whirlpool of unpleasant feelings to the flow of embedded messages, I’m regaining some control and a bit of relief, just enough to begin hearing what’s said.

And since my frame of mind is not ready to offer up a useful contribution, I stay silent and refrain from participating in internal dialogue. I simply listen to that wise voice within.

This wise voice delivers her message without ever battling the self-blaming and finger-pointing me I know so well.

In the absence of resistance we become a team and focus on what can be done.

And with a few deep breaths ideas surface, intentions are set and a sense of calm returns.

Stress seeps out, while gratitude warms my heart.

You ask them about their future and they describe in great detail where they will be and what they will be doing. Their whole being comes alive. If you would hand them the key to that life, they would step right into it.

But look closely at their current plans and you’ll often see that they’re on a different track entirely.

Somehow, in their mind, they’ve arrived at a need to do all these unrelated things first.

And, incredible as it might appear, they truly believe that these other experiences will prepare them for the day they’ll finally start living their dream.

What they fail to see is that they could end up with a lot of unexpected baggage in the form of an uninspiring resume, unexpected financial obligations or being too comfortable for their own good – and still, after all those years, be nowhere near that dream they once cherished.

Maybe they’ve forgotten the sage and tested advice that the route you take determines where you go, and that after making a wrong turn and reaching a dead end, they might not have the stamina (nor time) to back up and change direction.

So, why not take a first step today towards the life that feels right and begin to enjoy the journey?

After all, being on the right track is a fine recipe for your personal success, growth and satisfaction.

That got my attention.

Goals work well for many people, but they just do not excite me.

I enjoy being on the road towards the peak, but the peak itself, the realized goal, feels like an end-station. Once there, the journey’s over and nothing seems to extend beyond it.

But it’s out on the road itself, with all of the attendant mystery, surprises and unexpected encounters that I am excited to be learning, shifting and growing.

Somehow I feel that when setting themes, I’m packing mentally nourishing supplies for the life journey ahead.

These help fuel the mind and point to what you will be doing, rather than to where you are going. They also help shape both attitude and approach while en-route.

A theme can be a single keyword, an elaborate metaphor, or even a particular discipline. As long as it feels true or exciting and hints to the how of things, most anything will do.

Over the years I’ve bought many books and attended various training courses to improve my coaching skills, but yet I use just a fraction of it all. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been piling up one piece of knowledge on top of the other, and am more of an information collector than a user. “Revisit the pieces” feels the perfect theme to help me get more from my existing learning resources. Next time, I’ll delay hitting the Amazon one-click-order button and make a beeline for the wisdom already stacked on my bookshelves.

In this way themes work like values. If you let them guide your actions and decisions, you will automatically flow in the right direction, towards your goals, towards where you want to be.

Some people inspire, some people teach you something, and some really see you for who you are. Other people have a calming effect, or take care of something for you.

The list is long and not limited to the grand positive influences.

Take for instance the smile of a passing stranger that turns a bleak day into a bright one, or an unexpected word of wisdom from someone that gives you a new perspective on an issue you were struggling with.

And what about that irritating, energy-draining colleague at work who you need to work with for the years to come. If you dig deeper, you might find he or she actually challenges you to better your performance or expose a quality within yourself you are unaware of or unwilling to face.

Finding that one core quality helps me to accept and appreciate the people around me. It makes me work with what they have to offer rather than look for what is not there. It helps me focus on what they give me rather than what I find fault in them, and it forces me to deal with unpleasant parts of myself, contributing to better self-awareness.

Understanding what a person brings also means understanding the role that person plays in the bigger picture of the situation I’m in. When I’m for instance emotionally involved in such a way that I’m aggravated, and a calm person with a neutral perspective steps in, I can surrender and retreat instead of holding on to misplaced pride and self-absorption.

This way everybody has a special purpose and something to contribute, enriching our experiences and helping us in many ways move through our lives.

Walking away from a situation we created ourselves undermines our values. We believe we owe the people who are affected by our decisions or feel we are obliged to stick to them. The list of why we cannot overturn our choices is long.

Even if we know a change would be good, we don’t move and as a result we might feel desperate or depressed. Whatever is at work emotionally, such negative feelings tend to blow our experience out of proportion.

Often we also do not know what we want instead.

While we try to figure out why we are unable to change our mind, or what the alternative would be, one strategy is to change how we look at our choices.

In other words, forget about what brought us here and let go of the idea that we have to change something.

Seeing ourselves and our situation in alternative light lifts our spirits. It provides new meaning and allows for new experiences.

We might even find the answer as to why we made the choice in the first place.

And before we know it our new-found energy gets us unstuck and moving in new directions.

Yet, some days take an unforeseen turn.

An unexpected encounter with an old friend turned out to be an opportunity to review and reflect on what matters.

Through our discussions I was able to articulate some things about myself and put scattered thoughts into words. I walked away with a refreshed mind and a renewed awareness.

The timing could not have been more perfect. My world is changing and has been asking me for a while where I stand.

Good conversation can be a goldmine of ideas and insights. Somehow we get connected to a deeper level of knowing. We suddenly make sense of what before might just have been a vague notion. We get reminded of something we forgot or pointed to something that is important.

Good conversation is a moment – or to be more precise a couple of hours – of standing still, allowing us to take a step back. It provides a mirror to see and hear ourselves. Our words echo back to us and pick up new meaning in the flow of sentences going back and forward.

All the more reason to take the time to sit down, catch up with an old friend, and just talk.

Then why are we often so frightened of the truth?

We tend to see the truth as some form of judgment, sentencing us to make changes we might not want or believe we are able to make. We also tend to think the truth is something absolute and permanent, something we cannot escape and will need to live with for the rest of our lives.

These thoughts scare us and we stay stuck in this fear, closing our ears and our hearts. Moreover, the truth hurts is a message we have come to believe in.

When the truth is brought to us via other people we frequently only hear criticism and accusations pointing to our weaknesses and shortcomings. When it comes from within we might not trust what we hear.

Yet when we open up to the idea of truth as a source of support and compassion, we can see that truth is unconditional. It does not judge, it simply is. We start to see the opportunities it can bring us. We begin to see its many facets: a toolkit for growth, a loving parent, a foundation from which to exist.

The first step in changing our relationship with truth is then to trust its supportive nature.

And perhaps a second step is to see truth as an innate part of ourselves, not as some grandiose big Truth that is imposed on us from above. Truth is nothing more and nothing less than the whole of who we are.

It is from here we can switch our focus from fear to curiosity about our truths and making them our own again.
 

Perhaps they had recently broken up, or she had just received some bad news. She seemed desperate and in need of sympathy and love. He merely seemed tired and enjoying an afternoon nap.

His lack of empathy was painful to watch. Only because she continued to seek a reaction from him, I knew they were together. In all other ways they looked like complete strangers.

Roaming the train I noticed more people oblivious of the person they were with, not showing any sign of acknowledgment of each others existence. When it was their stop to get off the train, a little nod or a single word betrayed almost by accident a connection, but once on the platform they would quickly return to their disengaged mode.

I see this lack of connection between people everyday. Customers unaware of the feelings of those who serve them, teammates not being on the same line, managers apathetic of their staff’s perspective, couples refusing to hear what the other person is saying.

Disconnection often starts with a self-centered look at things, a sense of righteousness about one’s own beliefs. This often makes us dismissive of other people’s feelings and experiences. Introverts (like me) are sometimes so inwardly focused that they no longer see the world around them, which can make them ignorant of others.

Before we know it, we are indifferent, uninterested and, as a result, disconnected. We operate on different wavelengths, go in different directions.

Yet human beings (and anything else on the planet) are connected by default. We are really never completely disconnected. It is the quality that impacts us and everything around us positively or negatively.

By denying her even the smallest sign of acknowledgment the man in the train possibly destroyed something in his companion, while he could easily have comforted her with a little smile or some other loving gesture.

We are often unaware of how the way we connect influences others. We think our behavior is our own business (and right) and fail (refuse) to take responsibility for any repercussions that it may cause.

Even the slightest effort on our side to pay more attention to our daily interactions can make a world of difference. All it takes is willingness and awareness.

Often pain visits me when I least expect it and tends to stay for a while. A happy quest feasting shamelessly on a banquet of fear, guilt and self-pity.

I know my visitor is actually a gift; coincidence conspiring to bring me something I need.

Recently I have understood that better; the purpose of pain. I know it is not there as a sign of my inadequacy.

Understanding it intellectually helps me to create distance from the whirlpool of feelings and move beyond it. In doing so I can often see what is causing the pain. I can then put things in perspective and let go.

Still, this is an exercise of the mind.

When I have more courage, I sit with my pain with empathy and sheer acceptance until I feel myself sinking into a field of untapped potential and promise. Pain than changes into something beneficial and fulfilling.

Whichever way I choose, I learn and expand.

But when I leave pain unattended and in free reign it damages me. Therefore, even if sometimes it is easier or even more appealing to let the pain just be, I make a conscious effort to face and work with it in whatever way seems appropriate at the time.
 

I am exhausted, but utterly content. Every single muscle in my body is hurting, yet I feel more alive than I have done in months.

When had I started buying into the belief that I was too busy to get myself on a train for a day of physical delight and mental unwinding?

Come to think of it, I had been too much of many things for quite a while now. Too tired to take proper care of myself, too self-absorbed to notice I was neglecting my friends.

That dangerous belief that starts with “I am too” is a true game-stopper. It keeps us stuck and small. Before we know it we are no longer doing the things we were once committed to and are giving in to living by default.

That is not how I want to live, I tell myself. No more ‘too busy or too tired!’ I want to wake up every day knowing that everything I will be doing that day is by choice and according to plan.

And with these words, I am breaking through the barriers of my self-imposed beliefs and literally feel my world expanding. My body is shaking with fatigue, but my mind is still and my soul is beaming.

All is well. I have returned to where I always intended to be.

I could see how I often skip exercise in favour of my work and meeting people, and how my default setting is that the needs of others go first.

While picking up a next set of dumbbells, I pondered further on this thought.

Our behaviour is often determined by unconscious motives that take precedence over our consciously formulated choices. Being unconscious these motives tend to go unchecked and reign freely.

When we fail to follow our plans or see ourselves giving up on our goals, some hidden motives are probably in charge of the game. Digging those up is frequently required to get back on course.

By the time I hit the shower I had the contrasting intentions realigned and was recommitted to good self-care with a conscious mind.

Then she came across a piece of advice that gave her the answer she had been looking for: have high intention and low attachment – do everything you can to create your desired outcomes, and than let it go.*

She confirmed her intentions, decided not to be attached to any outcomes and to postpone any decision by simply letting things be and take their own course.

And the quote became her mantra. She now applies this to the many choices she is facing in her daily life.

She had felt uneasy about a situation and instead of dismissing her feelings, she listened and explored what it meant. As a result, she not only found a solution for her dilemma; she hit upon a piece of wisdom that fits her so well that it is changing her outlook.

Answers are often to be found in unexpected places and presented to us in surprising forms.

And by not settling for what does not feel right, you could end up with a lot more than you thought you were looking for.

* Source: How to Get from Where you Are to Where You Want to Be – the 25 principles of success, by Jack Canfield

The list is long. I am a master of unfinished business. My email inbox is full of messages that need responses. Numerous activities I once was passionate about are being neglected, as are some relationships that are in dire need of attention and clarity.

I still need to properly grieve for somebody I lost and embrace some choices I already made. And despite my best intentions some default negative behaviour continues to rule.

My external world is cluttered, my internal one a whirlpool. Loose ends are clouding my vision on what matters and preventing me from being fully engaged in life as I want it.

So I make my list. I am not enjoying it much, but it gives me relief and new breathing space. I already feel the clouds lifting.

I am cleaning my mental closet and getting ready for the new year.

When I put this decision against the larger scheme of things it does not really matter what I decide: either way, I believe, will eventually lead to the realization of my bigger goals.

But when I look at what is best for me right now I am unsure.

I know that I want to enjoy whatever it is I do. I don’t want to struggle or sacrifice. I want to move forward, expand and grow in a way that feels natural and to be fully engaged in the journey towards whatever is ahead of me.

The decision itself is a journey. It forces me to look at who I am and at what is important to me. I am investigating and gathering information.

So that is where I am right now, traveling towards the answers. And while I am on the road, I am already changing. The decision at hand is no longer the goal, but merely a checkpoint to keep me going.

In other words, what was supposed to have been a relaxed and comfortable train ride with my book, a sandwich and a cup of coffee, became a frantic morning of checking timetables and running around unknown stations on an empty stomach.

When I finally made my destination (in time!) and had a few minutes to catch my breath, I wondered what had happened.

Was there a lesson to be learned? Was this about new experiences? Or was the world against me that day? Was I perhaps being punished for my lack or preparation or changing a proven routine?

To each of these questions there was an answer but none brought me any closer to understanding it. In the end I simply accepted it had happened and applauded myself for making my appointment in time and surviving the ordeal.

In conclusion it occurred to me that it really all comes down to attitude. Whenever something goes wrong or different from what we expect, how we deal with the new situation depends entirely on the attitude and perspective we take.

By simply being okay with the first part of my day having gone astray I could fully enjoy the second half. No stress, no difficult questions. Merely a pleasant afternoon.

It almost always takes me by surprise. A casual comment, often well-meant, can trigger a huge offensive on my side. Before I know it I’m stuck in debate. I stop listening and become all left-brained in justifying my behavior.

I don’t get defensive that often, but when I do I become pretty annoying. I can see my counterpart retreat, yet I continue to aggressively plead my case, instantly turning a previously pleasant atmosphere into a tense one.

Self-defense is about denial and not the same as explaining oneself. The other day a good friend questioned my conduct. I disagreed and could calmly explain why my actions made sense to me in a way that changed his view. But when the same friend made a remark some weeks ago about something he saw me repeatedly do I became all wound up and defensive to a point where we had to change the subject.

I don’t enjoy defending myself. Mostly it leaves me feeling rather empty and out of tune. Self-defense, I realize, does not come from a place of empowerment and self-awareness. Only when I am prepared to face what is behind my defense and to address what I find, am I acting from my power and creating the clarity I need to understand my behavior.

In that sense those moments of self-defense are little treasures. They provide me with clues as to where I need to make changes. As long as I than act on those changes, I will be fine.

They are accomplished surfers who master the art of reading the wind.

I don’t read wind that well yet. I am the beginner in the group and here to learn, not to lead. I listen to their conversations, stare along and try to see what they see.

We came to the island to surf but the wind is not cooperating. It refuses to make a real appearance.

Yet that’s the way it is with wind. It has a mind of its own. On this island it seems even more temperamental, frequently changing course and engaging in battles with wind coming from other directions.

As always the wind is telling us to let go of resistance and find the opportunity in what is happening. It tells us to simply go with whatever it extends. Low wind is an opportunity to practice techniques, mild wind allows for leisurely cruising along and high wind means excitement and adrenaline.

And so we go with what’s on offer. While our wind readers lead us to the best spots we practice our skills and enjoy the occasional fast sprint. Stunning landscapes, white beaches and deep blue transparent water making this all the more worthwhile in our quest for that perfect breeze.

Actually, it was not just a matter of wording. I went a couple of inches deeper, turned up the volume and got down to what I would really like to happen, stripped of fear and misplaced modesty. To get there I simply checked in with my feelings, which, I have come to learn, are the most reliable guides to get to the core of who I am and what I want.

Tuning in with my feelings does not come easily to me. I tend to feel vulnerable, afraid of getting hurt or looking ridiculous. Negative emotions such as shame, guilt or doubt sometimes show up, while memories of past experiences might also interfere.

But I have become better at it. I have learned I do not necessarily need to share what I want and feel with other people. In the judge-free company of paper, pen and the Universe I can freely explore discrepancies between how I feel and how I want to feel without any limitation and filter mechanisms at work.

It is through this process that I understand myself and know what I really want. If I ignore my feelings I am in danger of going after the wrong things or wanting things for the wrong reasons. I might settle for less or second best. I will not create anything that will significantly expand my experience or bring the changes that make a difference.

Checking in with my feelings remains a constant challenge. Like many of us I am conditioned to think logically, to compare options, and to be realistic.

Yet I am dedicated and I am enjoying the benefits. When I have absolute clarity of thought, things are happening for me the way I want them to happen.

The question is how to check in correctly to bring that clarity.

It had been a while since I was at a sold-out mega concert. The moment I entered the premises I was in for an amazing experience.

The band was superb, the massiveness mesmerizing, but what fascinated me most was the thrilling alignment between the music, the band and the crowd. Energy of some 40,000 people meeting for a big splash.

Before the concert I hardly knew the band. I sometimes wonder where I’ve been since I arrived in Japan in the late 80s. Rock is what I enjoy to listen to most, but I seem to have missed a decade and half of my preferred music genre.

The day after the concert my friend Richard educated me on the band’s history and especially the story of lead guitarist John Frusciante who left the band at its popularity peak, coincidentally during their 1992 Japan tour. With his departure the band lost its groove and it was not until his return in 1999 that they got it back with the hit album Californication.

The concert inspired me in two ways. We can always come back and we can always play a bigger game.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been back for a while, and they are certainly playing their bigger game.

But the real inspiration comes from the story of John Frusciante, who I guess left he band to find himself and almost died in the process. Apart from the fact that he is a guitar wizard and a very wise and spiritual person, his story shows me how endlessly capable of experience and expansion we human beings are.

I have returned to the music that I love, that always makes me feel alive and gets me going.

And over the past few days, while listening to the RHCP and other catch-up albums that R kindly installed on my computer, I have been preparing for my bigger game. I was ready for it and the concert turned out to be my kick-off party.

Note: for a fascinating documentary made during his so-called “down” period watch the John Frusciante Interview (1994) on google video.

Over the past few days I could have worked out my goals for the coming months, finished an article and started on a coaching program I plan to develop.

Instead I spent considerable time searching the net for a funky ring tone for my mobile phone, dedicated an entire morning looking for coffee caps for our new Nespresso machine and managed to see episodes of a popular TV show I got hooked on.

This is not counting the numerous small daily distractions like checking emails the moment they come in, Skype-chats and reading new rss feeds.

Added all up that is at least a day and half of lost time.

Distractions are always a kind of a lure. A bit of distraction is healthy, and unexpected distractions can bring new experiences and ideas, but too much can be disturbing. Some distractions are actually addictions in disguise or a means of avoiding something.

How do we distinguish between the good, the innocent and the more harmful ones? How do we know when to give in and when not to?

A quick review of the distraction patterns in my past week teaches me that a lot was about habit and some about avoidance.

I figure that if I reduce the distractions in my life by as little as 20% or so, I will probably be able to get going on my goals and finish that article by the end of next week.

Anything more will be a bonus.

A nice metaphor for life. Staring out over the ocean, I wonder in what direction I am looking and realize I am not so sure. Time to refocus my course.

We are always going somewhere. If you only look at your TGIFs*, that is where you will end up, week after week. If you have a clear vision of where you one day would like to be, that is probably where you are heading. Where you go all depends on the direction you set.

In windsurfing we always look at a point in the far distance. That is how we balance and navigate. We are not concerned about actually getting there. Our attention is fully in the moment, engaging all of our techniques and body reflexes.

Of course as a beginning windsurfer I frequently lose my focus point. The moment that happens I get confused, lose confidence and start to struggle. I fall, I drift away. I end up miles off track.

My life is no different. I frequently lose sight of the bigger picture. I look back, left and right and that is where I end up being. Pretty much all over the place.

I realize that losing focus is not a big deal. Life is not a straight line. Getting off course is normal.

Just like I always get back on my board and find my far distance point again, I merely need to remind myself of where I want to go and simply look in that direction.

* thank-god-it’s-Friday

I recognize a similar tendency in myself. I would not call myself arrogant, but I do have moments I feel so on top of things I stop learning, looking and being curious.

From confidence we can slip into arrogance and arrogance can transform into confidence. This shifting and slipping between different expressions of the same tendency is something we all do. I, for instance, can easily fall into self-absorption. I am an introvert and naturally look for information and confirmation internally, inside of myself. The moment I stay there too long I get caught in my own thoughts and disconnect from the world around me.

It is not a question of what is good or bad, but of what works better for you. What makes you content, efficient and successful? Self-absorption does not work well for me, arrogance does not work well for my friend.

It is also not possible to be in a permanent state of confidence, just like I cannot avoid my moments of self-absorption. Life is, as my teacher so beautifully said during a workshop yesterday, “about balancing, not being in balance”.

But the more aware we are of our tendencies, the more skilfully we can manage the shifting and slipping. At some point it will become a matter of deliberate choice.

I went shopping with a girlfriend for an outfit to wear for an upcoming formal party. In the midst of a busy workweek, I abandoned all my duties and roamed the galaxy of dresses and shoes.

An afternoon of pure delight. No other thoughts than those related to size, color, style and appearance.

My weekends on the beach are very similar. I am merely enjoying the sea, windsurfing and the company of my fellow surfers.

As a former office junkie and workaholic I appreciate those hours away from it all. These are the moments I simplify my experience and empty my mind. I get recharged with fresh energy.

These are also moments where I just am. There is no past and no future. No guilt, no stress, no worries. No to-do lists occupying mental space.

I had no idea I would love shopping. It was a last-minute survival mission. I never shop, am a jeans and t-shirt person and possessed just one, not very flattering dress.

Now I am the proud owner of a dress that looks good on me.

And I discovered the joy of retail meditation.

I am already planning my next shopping retreat, ofcourse under the expert guidance of my elegant friend.

Since last summer when I started windsurfing, I belong to a local club.

It is early evening and we are having a barbecue on the beach. Après-surf is as important for this group as the sport itself.

Today was also “test day”. A well-known manufacturer of boards and sails had brought new models for everybody to try out, the experience of which for these adults is comparable to kids getting permission to eat anything they like in the candy store.

Excitement is in the air. Today’s experiences are discussed, stories are exchanged.

Our club owner, a windsurf legend in Japan and my teacher today, sits among us as a proud patriarch. Later that evening I talk with him about the club, the beauty of windsurfing and life on and around the beach. We discuss how at the club members average age, career and other aspects of personal background do not matter.

A couple of meters further from us “the locals�, as they are fondly called, many of them advanced windsurfers who live around the beach, are having their own barbecue.

Surfing is changing me. I am learning to slow down and to be in the moment. Each time I am out there on the water I am overcoming limitations and gaining something new.

But perhaps more importantly I am discovering a new way of being and a new way of belonging.

I am warming up to the idea of lifestyle, a word which I have always associated with urban fashion trends, but, as I start to I realize, actually means a deliberately chosen way of living.

And I love belonging to a club, something I always steered away from, where judgement, competition and hierarchy are absent, and people genuinely support and encourage each-other.

Yes, this summer promises to be a pretty good one.

]]> http://www.jacintahin.com/?feed=rss2&p=37 1 http://www.jacintahin.com/?p=35 http://www.jacintahin.com/?p=35#comments Fri, 27 Apr 2007 01:59:18 +0000 Jacinta Hin http://www.jacintahin.com/?p=35 “I must get out of my head!” my friend proclaimed. I immediately realized I needed to do the same thing. I bet chances are you too have a tendency to walk circles inside yours.

Inside our heads is usually where we are when things are not really happening for us. It is a cramped little place where you tend to repeat the same thoughts over and over again. With no space for new ideas, this is where we are small, limited and stagnant. We go over our issues with no fresh input. As a result we come to the same conclusion and nothing changes.

If we stay here too long we get disconnected from the whole of us. We access only limited information and resources. We are not using all that is available. Our energy gets depressed, as my friend so beautifully said.

Inside of our head is also a refuge, a place of comfort. Inside feels safe. And sometimes being here is good for us. But staying never is.

If we stay too long, getting out gets harder. At some point we are likely to surrender to what we believe is our faith.

One problem with living inside your head is that our fears and doubts have free reign here. Fears and doubts keep us where we are, prevent us from action, and kill our curiosity. A vicious circle, because without action and curiosity we get no new experiences and without new experiences the landscape remains the same. We literally keep walking the same circle around and around.

My friend and I both committed to get out. We discussed our strategies, made our plans and agreed to keep each other motivated.

This morning I went for a walk before opening my computer. I had a coffee at Starbucks and read my book. A symbolic gesture perhaps, but already I feel more “outside”.

For me, the best conversations are full of questions. Questions, when asked with genuine curiosity, are invitations to investigate and verbalize thoughts, and give birth to new thoughts and perspectives. They are also a form of acknowledgement. It is through questions I feel that others see and accept me.

On a deeper level, when we are dealing with our life issues, focus on questions rather than answers can prevent us from getting stuck in a desire for those answers, a desire that is often accompanied by worry and concern. For many of us not knowing is a very uncomfortable place to be.

“Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and dreams, try to love the questions themselves” advises the famous poem by Rainer Maria Rilke.

When we love our questions this way, we make the questions the central focus rather than the answers. Our questions become our guides on a journey for something new. Along the way we will find answers, and answers will find us.

I am nowhere near where I think I could be in my coaching business. Yet, I have no idea where I eventually will be. Although I have a vague notion and lots of huge wild dreams, it is the curiosity about how what I am doing today will bring me to the next challenge that drives me. A benefit of this approach is that I am focused on what I am doing now.

We are very results-conditioned. From an early age on we are expected to know what we want. Those of us with corporate employment experience know that the only way to manage our careers so-called successfully is by showing results, preferable always better ones than we had before. If we are lost in in our lives and careers we get bombarded with “what-do-you-wants” and we stay in situations that are not good for us simply because we don’t know what the “other” is we are able to get.

My clients come to me with their questions. The work we do is all about exploring those questions. It takes courage to admit to those questions. My clients often feel guilty not having the answers. The guilt often has a lot to do with how their past and current environment are urging for “knowing”. Our environment, in other words, is uncomfortable with inhabitants who temporarily “do not know”.

This week, for some reason, was a week full of amazing questions. One client found the answer to her core question, another client learned how to ask them. Socially, I enjoyed the company of people who live with their questions.

And inspired by all of this, personally, I was encouraged to embrace my own again.

We had reserved the whole day anticipating hours of long lines and other hurdles.

We found ourselves in a near-empty office with extremely friendly tax office people explaining and filling everything in for us. The whole thing came down to a couple of simple calculations.

In other words, weeks of agony for nothing.

How often do we do this to ourselves. Instead of tackling uncomfortable tasks quickly, we delay acting on them. As a result they grow in significance and our stamina to deal with them diminishes the longer we wait.

Or we become impractical and make things more complex than they really are.

Why, I wonder, are we such masters of procrastination and complication? Why don’t we just act and do and move on?

Today I learned again that doom is all in the mind. And that there is always a solution, and often it is a simple one. And that getting something heavy of your plate is hugely liberating.

My friend is sorted out for now. Me, I think I am ready to tackle something of my own plate.

Regardless of how busy, balanced or bored we are, we all have a tendency to go through our days on automatic pilot. We blindly follow our habits and keep looking at happenings with the same perspective. We do things in a certain way because that is how we always have done it. We stay in situations and behaviour without even realizing we could get out.

We belief we are how we behave. We belief we are the product of our emotions, habits, norms and beliefs.

Yet at our core we are none of the above.

At my core I am for instance somebody who thrives when she is free. From this I created a habit to live without planning, believing that, as a freedom-craving person, I should limit anything that felt like a constraint. As a result I ended up being controlled by other people’s schedules and running around being busy with no sense of priority or where I was going.

Taking distance from my situation and reflecting on my reality made me see I had created a situation that had nothing to do with freedom. I realized I needed a different structure, and one that felt as I was going against my free me: the structure of planning and scheduling.

Nowadays my organizer is my best friend. I don’t go anywhere without it. I start each month by writing down my goals and themes for the month. Then I decide what I want to accomplish each week. I break all of this down in daily to-do-lists. Friday is creativity day and the day I don’t do meetings.

Knowing what my month looks like and where I want to be at the end of it allows me to make decisions on how I want to spend my time. Although still not a time management Master I am a dedicated pupil with high grades. And more importantly, today I can honestly say I feel free.

You are not set in your behaviour and the way to find out is to step back and take a view from a distance. A regular moment of questioning everything that is your reality should be as normal a self-care routine as going to the gym or getting a massage.

In line with my new habit of planning, I plan my self-sessions. They are short but insightful and effective. I always find something about my behaviour and habits I can change.

Tip – The key to successful distancing is to sit down with yourself without judgement. Let the observing you observe with humour, compassion, honesty and without fear. And let the observed you be curious, open-minded, attentive and prepared to change.

Since we both work from our homes, I often work at his place. Today I indeed witnessed him flying through his to-do list with a level of assertiveness, determination and focus I have seldom seen in him before.

For the past weeks he has worked his way through mountains of work, endless streams of emails, tasks, projects with a deadline and last-minute requests. Last weekend he found his turning point when, dreading another weekend of working at home, he decided in a last minute split second decision to spend the weekend at a friend’s mountain cottage with the intention to tie up all loose ends. Surrounded by quietness here he got on top of his game, finishing one project after another, and has remained on top ever since

To be on top of things is without a doubt a great feeling.

It means we are in control. We are moving forward and beyond the survival point. We are getting things done and are creating space to move on to something thing. We stretch our capabilities to new levels, boost our confidence and experience ourselves in new ways. Adrenaline flows freely. We are excited and relaxed at the same time.

There is something very attractive about people who are on top of things. They shine and inspire. Their energy is contagious.

They also have the time and space to do things for others and do so without blinking an eye.

This week Richard designed my new namecard and created a business plan for me, and item on my to-do list for the past weeks, with the same ease and speed as if he was making me lunch or serving me coffee.

Seeing today how well it all works for him I decided next month will be the month I am getting on top of my own game.

When we think like this we are basically saying that we have a limited supply of options and that with each choice we are emptying the jar. As a consequence we stay in jobs we hate, limit our risks, and any changes we make feel like life sentences.

When I was in my late thirties I believed I had very little time left to get my perfect life and perfect career organized. Well-meaning friends confirmed this notion that I better hurry up as career change and babies were no longer options for women over forty. Since I had neither the perfect life nor the perfect job I felt doom was on the horizon, while at the same time the sheer idea of having to be in the same job and life circumstances for the rest of my life was utterly depressing.

I am still prone to desperate feelings, but nowadays I also belief in something more powerful: that every moment is a moment to start something new, to return to something old, or to let go of something that no longer works. And that with each choice, each step, each action we are creating new options and possibilities.

Last week distress had somewhat of a hold over me. Than on Thursday I launched my very first website and my mood immediately shifted. With each email I sent out and each comment I got I felt my world expanding and that I was entering into a new stage in my coaching business.

A bit of despair now and than is not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps us alert.

But when despair is present in my life I know I need to get into action and do something new or get rid of something old in order to create the space for and move to new possibilities.

Since those dark days in my late thirties I changed careers twice. I made my most important move at age 42.

Each choice I make does not determine the rest of my life, but creates a path to new choices. My life is not passing me by, but constantly changing.

What matters is what I do today.

We do it all the time. We stereotype. It helps us create some kind of order in the world around us. Thinking somebody is such-and-such kind of person helps us to relate to that person in a pre-determined way. It also helps us define ourselves since we experience ourselves as being different from that person.

Our preferred labels are the negative ones. We love the accusatory and judgmental style. It makes us feel better (off) than the other person. It confirms the standards and values we have adopted for ourselves.

We like to do it to others, especially in the negative way, but we like it less when others do it to us.

When friends back home tell me I am acting so Japanese I feel I am being accused of betraying my Dutch roots. When my friends in Japan joke about my free-spiritedness (she is Dutch after all) I worry I might have weak morals.

The negative stereotyping tends to invalidate us. It makes us sensitive to our weaknesses and attacks our self-esteem. It can be very hurtful. It keeps us stuck in limiting beliefs about ourselves. We take these over and start stereotyping our own behavior in similar ways.

Yet those negative labels others grace us with are really great clues to our uniqueness, our strengths, preferences and talents.

The other day I did a little experiment with one of my coaching clients. She had a hard time coming up with her strengths. I asked her to tell me what negative things people were saying about her. She came up with an interesting list. Than I asked her what each negative told her about herself from a positive perspective.

She quickly got it and within minutes we had reversed “liberal” (in her world regarded as a negative) to self-responsible and independent, and “does not think” into open to new things. She also discovered she is an excellent listener, a challenger, curious, and somebody who makes sure to be knowledgeable before speaking up.

Next time you hear the negatives coming your way, turn them around and dig behind what they are really telling you.

My “japanization” is telling me I am forever evolving and expanding my world. My free-spirited behavior really confirms that freedom is a core value and absolute condition to feel that I am living to the fullest.

Perhaps stereotyping others is not such a bad habit and being stereotyped is the best compliment you can get.

And now I think about it, my train game really comes from my curiosity about people, which is after all a strength of mine.

]]> http://www.jacintahin.com/?feed=rss2&p=25 1 http://www.jacintahin.com/?p=18 http://www.jacintahin.com/?p=18#comments Wed, 24 Jan 2007 08:06:35 +0000 Jacinta Hin http://www.jacintahin.com/?p=18 Many of us are champion wheel inventors and lousy askers. I became aware of how bad we actually are while reading “The Aladdin Factor” by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen of chicken soup for the soul fame. This gem of a book explains about the importance of asking for what we want, how we are conditioned to do just the opposite and the often catastrophic consequences of trying to do it all by ourselves or assuming others will kind of automatically know what we are looking for.

The past few months I have been struggling in my windsurfing allowing fear and self-doubt to rule. That is how I have experienced it. But, as I now realize, I actually was on a mission to reinvent the art of windsurfing all by myself. Being in denial that many great people before me have already perfected windsurfing in all its finesse, I was simply failing to ask for help.

Unconsciously I must have started to look for help through this blog and our surf club BBS by writing about my struggles and fears. My gracious surf colleagues Kome-chan, Yorasu and Mr. P. have been giving me encouragement through their comments, sharing advise and own experiences with me. Their comments have helped me to look at my situation with different eyes. Inspired by the above book I started to see that my fears were just a reflection of my failure to ask for support.

So last Sunday I did the unthinkable – I booked a lesson.

And I learned more in one afternoon than I had in the past three months.

I mastered the basic techniques. I experienced how it feels to go fast. I now know the trick to get the boom connected to the mast. I learned I am not the only one who cannot dismantle my sail from the mast: it simply cannot be done by one person. I regained my joy in the sport.

And perhaps most importantly, I learned that when you ask you will receive.

If you are like me and million others and find it hard to ask for things, pick up a copy of the Aladdin Factor. It is an easy read with lots of inspiring ask-struggle stories and lessons how to become a better asker.

And ask yourself what it is your are not asking. Look into what is stopping you, what beliefs are at play, what it is you are afraid of.

If you like to explore the art of asking more deeply, watch The Secret (http://www.thesecret.tv/) and learn about The Law Of Attraction (numerous books and websites – for the spiritually inclined I recommend “Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires” by Esther and Jerry Hicks).

Asking equals creation. Without asking nothing happens. Ask and you put things in motion. Put things in motion and things start to happen.

As for windsurfing, next Sunday I will practice last week’s lessons and be asking for some more.

Then I woke up around 530am in the middle of the worst surf nightmare to date (I have had quite a few recently). Despite meters of high waves flooding the land, hundreds of people (no idea where they came from) continued to get on their surfs only to be engulfed by the water, not to be seen again. I was very concerned by what was happening and busy advising a first-timer to stay in the safe (close to land) areas, while trying to connect with my club members who were having fun and simply ignoring me.

I ended up staying at home on Sunday.

I opted to use the day to write a long-due article and catch up with my emails. I had a really good day, writing the article that has been in my head all week and over 50 emails.

The question on my mind today was if I used the long-due article as an excuse not to go surfing or if I did what made most sense to do.

The fact is that I planned to go surfing for the first time without my surf buddy Pieter who was away for a ski weekend.

Fact is also I cannot get my own gear ready without his (or somebody’s) help, and that I have been struggling with plenty of water and wind fears recently. The northern winter winds tend to be hard and ruthless.

Another fact is that I have been procrastinating in my writing and in dire need to get something on paper and published.

So two truths were at play today. I had an opportunity to write an article and I had an opportunity to face my windsurf fears.

The nightmare was pretty disturbing and the article felt like it was ready for birth. The computer was a 3 meter walk, the beach an hour drive.

I wrote the article and thought about the deeper meaning of my dream throughout the day.

I also decided that it does not matter which activity I choose. Both are important to me. I could write my article today and I can go surfing another day. I realized I can go for the and/and scenario and have it all. I do not need to feel bad I did not surf today or that I failed in anyway. I have not lost anything.

I realized the and/and scenario often makes more sense than the either/or one.

For a long time I felt torn between a desire to be in my home country and to be in Japan. I miss my family, my roots, my old friends and the Dutch way of life. I miss the language and the food. Yet I love my life in Japan, where I have my home, enjoy the international life, meeting new people all the time, the dynamics of the east/west mixture and being in one of the biggest cities in the world.

For a while I thought I needed to choose, the either/or way.

Now I believe I can have them both.

Today I confirmed again that and/and is entirely possible if we don’t judge the one against the other.

I finished an article, updated my blog and decided to book a couple of surf lessons to deal with the going-alone fear.

Not a bad result for a lazy Sunday.

Essential coaching
Essential coaching volume 2
Essential coaching volume 7

This summer, after a 20+ years break, I got back into windsurfing together with some friends. After a couple of months of renting a beginner board, I recently bought my own. A very cool latest model Starboard with a classic Gaastra sail. A new class of gear, a new level of surfing. The real thing. Or so it seemed.

The actual real thing failed to happen.

I was pretty good on the beginner board, but could hardly get my sail out of the water on my new board. To the outside I maintained my excitement about my new pastime, on the inside self-doubt ruled.

While my surf buddy Pieter spent hours the past weeks successfully battling the waves and the wind with his new gear, getting better and better, I barely lasted ten minutes on the water. Last week I did not even bother getting in. All dressed up in my tailor-made designer winter wetsuit, my presence on the beach felt like a mere fashion statement.

Yesterday, on the way to the beach, I realized I was giving in to fear and feeling small and powerless. I realized I needed somehow to turn it around. Not only for the sake of enjoying my surfing, but more importantly, for my sense of self-worth, ability and independence.

There was not much wind yesterday and I knew my day had come. It was a beautiful day that reminded me of one particular memorable summer day on which I surfed towards the sunset. With this image in mind I got on my board……and just sailed away. I found my center and balance and could feel everything in agreement. My board, my sail, the water, the wind and even the small waves all were in perfect harmony and I was the captain, the master of it all.

I see the same thing with my coaching clients. They get close to their real goals and purpose, their passion and understanding about what they want and how they are at their best. Than they set out to make changes to align with their new-found insights and encounter setbacks.

External realities disagree, habits get in the way, old beliefs take control. And slowly doubts and fears creep in. They find themselves just staring at what is possible for them like I stared at the sea the past few weeks. And the more they stare, the further away it all seems.

I am no different from my clients. I help my clients break through their doubts, fears and insecurities and find their way into their sea of possibilities. Yesterday, with a little help from my buddy Pieter who never doubted I could do it and every week gets me back on that beach, I helped myself find my way.

Now I just need to keep on track. The path to self-mastery is not all sunshine and roses. Setbacks, disappointments and distractions are bound to be part of it. In fact this is where our true learning happens. When doubts and fears pop up this just means we are growing and becoming, not that we are incapable. All we need to do is shift and keep on going.

What an amazing day it was. And since today I am still in a very confident mood, I just made a couple of other shifts (with a little help of my coach). As for windsurfing, next week I am back on that board for sure.

My keywords are freedom, flexibility, adaptability, availability, spontaneity. I am a freeflower and live in the moment.

I am also grounded, building up a coaching business, and have clients who are counting on me. I like to be independent and pay my own bills. I love buying books and signing up for coaching related workshops and courses without thinking about the costs. I enjoy my social life that comes with a (modest) price-tag.

I believe both sides can co-exist……as long as I provide the structure to support that.

The key is in managing the practical matters of my life.

Extend my visa, renew my passport, pay the phone bill, do the dishes, get through the to-do list, do the dreaded phone-call. Arrange a weekly schedule that allows for down-time, plan overseas travel at least two months in advance when tickets are cheaper, arrange for the environment, help and tools that will support my work and personal development.

Hope without power is no match to fear with power.
Choice is our greatest power.

Wise words I read today (Caroline Myss) while waiting at the Japanese immigration office to apply for my visa extension.

I can hope one day I will become more practical……or fear I will be struggling for the rest of my life.

Or I can choose to create the structure to facilitate the practical matters so that my life can be focused around what is really important to me.

At the immigration office you can only surrender and comply with the rules. There is no space for flexibility and adaptability. The only question is if you’ve filled in the forms correctly and have all the required documents with you.

It felt good…..not to resist. Just taking care of business. Nothing more and nothing less.

Tomorrow, for starters, bills, dry-cleaning and cleaning the cat’s toilet. And who knows what else I will be inspired to take care of.

I had no idea I did that, but ever since the workshop I have been observing myself and to my astonishment I have been noticing that I do this constantly and not only when I talk about myself. Even while I write this, I notice my head turning to the right. It is unconscious and automatic.

Charlie, our workshop leader, explained that, although sometimes it is good for us to be in our (physical) habit, more often than not we should get out of our habits to access the whole of ourselves.

Throughout the last week I have corrected myself at least a thousand times.

And while being in the correcting mode I realized time has come to change a couple of other habits as well.

To break the habit of living from day to day, I will start planning ahead.

To break the habit of doing everything alone, I will engage the help of others.

To break the habit of my current restless and reactionary lifestyle, I will start spending more time alone and reinstate a daily meditation and study practice.

So I asked fellow coaches Mark and Austin to coach me for a while. I asked my IT wizzard friend Richard to build my website. I have arranged for somebody to help me clean my house. I already returned to my morning meditation time. I am about to sign up for a special coaching course.

And I just signed up for another one of Charlie’s fascinating somatic workshops (see http://www.seishindo.org held in Japan, Belgium, and US).

And when I get going on my new habits…….I will look for some more to break.

A great week by the way.

Looking back, this question came to me: why do we do what we do? What makes us do certain things and avoid other things?

Digging into the whys behind my actions and activities of the past week I found good whys, questionable whys, and whys that need more thought. Apparently not all whys are equal.

What did I do?

I helped a friend which took more time than we envisioned it would. I did not give it any thought. I enjoyed it and just considered it a completely normal thing to do.

I allowed my house to become a mess. I simply did not have the time and energy to clean up. The house, that I share with a husband, was a place we both avoided to spend much time in this week.

I lost control of my schedule. I had to reschedule, cancel and apologize to people and spent a fortune on taxis to make it to my many meetings. I went into automatic pilot and just lived from hour to hour.

Why did I help my friend? Because that is who I choose to be. Somebody who is there for people she cares about, which comes easy to me and feels completely natural. And who I choose to be is who I am. As simple as that.

Why did I allow my house to become a mess? Because senseless pride is telling me I should clean my own house. Weeks ago somebody gave me the name and phone-number of his cleaner. I still haven’t called.

Why did I loose control of my schedule? Because I am still confused between my desire to be flexible and free and my need for discipline. I find myself again and again caught in limbo land, and end up with neither.

Very different whys.

The first why is a good one. I just am, so that is why I do.

The second why is a why for the trash-bin. It serves no purpose, is merely self-sabotaging behavior.

The third why asks for deeper exploration and refocusing. It requires a change in habit and more conscious planning.

As I said, a great week with some valuable lessons as a bonus.

Today I could refresh myself. Tomorrow I will buy a Franklin Covey 2007 organizer and call the cleaner. And than I continue my life as usual. The same person, just slightly shifted.

But when I went back to my notes of the beginning of the year I found a detailed plan for building up my practice with clear target dates and milestones. A plan I had completely forgotten about.

What I had not forgotten were the intentions I had also set in the same notes. I had carefully chosen intentions to guide me towards reaching my goal. Although in my notes they accompanied the goal, they were actually intentions for overcoming obstacles and self-realization.

And the intentions have been guiding me constantly this year. I refer to my intentions all the time to get answers of what to do, how to behave, what choices to make.

The key intention for me this year has been “to be bold”.

My vision for my coaching practice is not only to help others become independent champions of their authentic selves, but also to be a voice, to share my insights and to reach a large audience.

Behind this vision is a strong desire to express myself. Coaching is the medium I have chosen for that purpose and to be bold is the guiding principle to become free and fearless in being that self-expressing person.

To be more precise, to be bold is what I knew I had to be to overcome one of my core fears, a fear that was clearly in the way of being free and fearless: the fear of negative opinions of others, the fear of rejection. A fear that was making me needy of being liked and needed by others.

And surely when I look back on my days of corporate employment I realize how scared I was most mornings to open my emails, convinced it was full of angry and irritated responses of coworkers and clients, and how I constantly was looking for compliments and other signs of appreciation.

Today, in reflection, I feel truly free of fear of opinion of others. I no longer seek approval and don’t read rejection in other people’s disinterest in or criticism of what I say or do. I still have lots of other fears to deal with, but this particular one is no longer in the way.

And by being bold I have also reached my goal.

I realize working with intentions is a great tool for me. I find goals and plans boring. They have little meaning to me. I know I need to have them, but I realize once I have a goal all I need to do is create the intentions to help me turn the goal into reality.

And when I make sure the goal is always in my true-self-best-interest, the intentions automatically become magnets for self-realization. And all I need to do than is to let my actions be guided by my intentions. I can forget about the goal and the plan and don’t need to celebrate any milestones.

So thanks to my friend Ilze I now know how it works for me. She is moving to Shanghai soon but hopefully via cyberspace she will keep an eye on my goals for me.

In the meantime I am ready to create a new goal and set some new intentions.

Yet, some days I find myself staring at my computer screen. Some days I cannot even do the simplest task. Some days I only eat junk food and watch low quality stream videos.

I get into these moods and just go blank. All of my intentions and purpose seem to have left me. Old fears and self-judgment return. I am 16 all over.

How easily do we get into our little slumps. Triggers are always on the lure. A song, something somebody said, bad weather, not doing what we intended to do.

And once in these slumps how easily do we see it as proof of how incapable and weak we are. How easy do we allow fear, despair and negativity to play their game with us.

And we forget that all it is is a slump moment. Nothing more than a little pause in our forward-going and purposeful life. Nothing more than an expression of our humanhood, a reminder of old stuff, a mirror of what we don’t want.

Like to be here? By all means, stay. If not, just snap out of it. It is really not that hard. Whatever we snap into, we can snap out of.

Play another song, go for a walk, read something new, write a poem, eat an apple, engage in conversation, listen to the wisdom of others, smile to a stranger. Change your routine. Remind yourself of the bigger picture.

I shake my head while I say “snap”. A little ritual that breaks the spell for me. Than I set some intentions and do something new.

Yesterday was my slump day. This morning I snapped out of it. I made myself a big glass of fresh juice to detox and recharge, and created my very first blog post. Today is all about creation. The sun is shining and I am back on track.